"Calm down" "I know you have a smile in there somewhere" "Don't you think you're showing too much skin?"
These are just a fraction of the things women hear on a daily basis. All are things that have been said to me, personally. Though we have grown as a society, there are many biases that still exist. Whether we realize it or not.
The first thing I have noticed is the lack of verbal filters, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but the issue comes when people’s feelings are not accounted for. Growing up, I was generally happy in my own skin- but I did have a couple of insecurities about my body and some of the elderly women around me seemed to have a radar for them. One day at church when I was wearing a one shoulder, sequined teal dress with black leggings. A woman came up to me and asked “Don’t you think you are showing too much skin?” I replied, “If I was, my Dad would not have let me leave the house like this.” In another instance, I was wearing a strapless high-low dress. Another woman felt compelled to ask “Do you have help?” My young and naive self had no idea what she meant till I mentioned it to another friend who told me she was essentially asking if I wore a push-up bra. I look back and tell myself that no matter their intentions, neither of those comments were appropriate, not even in the slightest.
Fast forward to my mid-20’s, I was being trained to work for the First Order with Kylo Ren. It is important to note that we are told to have a more proper and stoic presence. My coworker and I were simply standing near the exit and out of the way, observing an interaction. As the family left, fully unprompted, the dad looked at us and said “I know you two have a smile in there somewhere.”
In another instance, I was working an event and at this event there was a belly dancer who was hired to dance around the venue and interact with the guests. I was placed in a position to direct anyone to the closest restrooms. At one point an older man walked up to ask for directions to said location. He was staring at the dancer as I began answering, he interrupted with “Hey, you remember when you danced like that?” I was not amused. I deflected and continued giving the directions.
At another event I was placed between the restrooms, bar, and buffet stations. A man approached me with a handful of grapes in his bare hand. He asked if I had recently eaten. And when I responded that I was not hungry, he still offered me the grapes. Regardless of how I felt- we were not supposed to be eating anything while on the job onstage. As I kept deflecting, he was persistent stating that he would “not tell my boss.” Eventually I had convinced him I was fine, but I was agitated that it was so hard to get him to accept a simple “no, thank you.”
But by far the most memorable moment for me was when I was literally cat-called. Back when I worked in merchandise I was on an early morning shift where we took in the shipments and stocked the shelves backstage. At the end we had to recycle all of the cardboard. The bins we had the cardboard in were large and deep, to an extent that I almost had to dive headfirst. As my coworker and I were completing the task, I volunteered to grab the pieces while she put them in the baler- as I bent over I heard a strange noise nearby. I perked up but only saw a few people passing and one custodial man standing nearby. I paid it no mind and continued my work. But I heard the noise again and perked up once more. The man was still there but began walking away. My coworker turned to me and said “did that man just ‘meow’ at you?” They ended up running into him shortly after and asked “Why did you make that noise at my friend?” and he replied “I saw a cat, so I meowed.” 🤢
I reached out via social media to get others’ take on this topic. Here are the things that were expressed:
- “Anyone who has ever called me bossy/bitch for saying the same things that men are praised for.”
- “You’d be prettier if you smiled more.”
- “Why aren’t you married yet?”
- “They assume and judge me based on how many people I have dated.”
- “Growing up I was constantly told it wasn’t ladylike to act the way I did. I was such a tomboy, athletic and always outside. My family was supportive, but others weren’t as kind. I was told I was too fat to play volleyball because no one wanted to see me in spandex.”
- “The expectation that you can’t have a career and be a mom and if you do, it’s your responsibility to do everything by yourself with no help from your spouse/partner.”
- “My ex-husband told me that if we had kids he wouldn’t help with the basics (diaper changes, bottles, feedings, etc.) because it was a woman’s job and the dad’s job is to ‘have fun.’”Â
- “In short, I’m worth nothing because I don’t want to have kids.”
One thing to note is that a lot of these comments were said years ago and have stuck with each and every one of us since. I am sure that if you asked any woman, she would say she has heard at least one of these comments in some form. Further showing how much effect our words have on the people around us.
Women are expected to have a warm and inviting composure. If they don’t, they are considered bossy, rude, or overly emotional. First off, please know that your emotions and feelings are completely valid. In situations like when people say you should smile more, they are referencing the expectation that women are meant to be quiet and compliant. I have reached a point where I overlook the negative connotations and take them all as a compliment because I know I struck a nerve and am moving in the right direction. I am standing against the societal norms for myself and women and girls everywhere. No matter what people expect of you, we are each different individuals with our own opinions and choices. We are not carbon copies.
Back in 2014 I went to Ireland on a trip with a Christian organization. When I got back, the first question I was asked was if I “met anyone over there.” We are constantly asked about our relationship status. I am here to say your relationship status or history does not define you. I repeat, your relationship status or history DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.
I think back to the show Gilmore Girls where Rory gained the nickname “Mary” from one of her classmates because of her assumed virgin status. On the other hand women are called “sluts” if they have any sort of “body count.” There is no actual standard and people will always have comments and opinions on your life and choices, most times these are unsolicited. But the only opinion that matters is your own. Marry if you want to marry, go on dates, remain single, etc. Do what is best for the most important person in your life- yourself.
Take beauty standards for example. They have constantly changed over the years- in Ancient Egypt, it was good to be slender, have a high-waist, and a symmetrical face. But if we look at the Italian Renaissance, rounded stomachs and full hips were the ideal look. (Yang, E. L., Celestino, M., & Koeppel, K. 2021).
There is no way anyone can actually live up to these standards. We are told that society’s standards are considered the definition of true beauty. But in reality, true beauty is when we do not live up to society’s standards for how or who we should be. True beauty comes from our differences. That goes for everyone, we should be celebrating our differences. No one has any actual right to comment on our bodies or to treat someone like an object.
Motherhood and home-making is another societal expectation. Some women have dreams and goals of being mothers which is an amazing dream. On the other hand there are women who have no desire to be mothers and some women want to be mothers and pursue a career at the same time. All of these choices are possible, attainable, and are fully okay. But we need to keep in mind that there are women who are unable to conceive. This does not make them lesser than anyone else, but the expectations and pressure that have been set make them feel as such. We need to be aware of the flaws within our society, this specifically is a big one. We need to normalize these situations and have a system in place to support them.
As the cliche goes “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt.” But from my experience, words do the most damage. If you take one thing away from this, know that your words have an effect on those around you- be aware of your surroundings. You never know what someone has been through.
We are not working to change the standards and perspectives for ourselves only, we are doing this for future generations. Above all, do not allow anyone else to define you. It is a learning process but you are not alone.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said,
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
References
Yang, E. L., Celestino, M., & Koeppel, K. (2021, February 2). Women’s Ideal Body Types Throughout History. BuzzFeed. https://www.buzzfeed.com/eugeneyang/womens-ideal-body-types-throughout-history#.avw4wZpn6o
"Jess" keep swimming 